Rainy days

Aren't rainy days the best?

Here I am, listening to Mumford & Sons, drinking tea, being comfortable in my Hanes t-shirt and sweats, and writing my paper.

My Mom just got home from Germany and brought back chocolates and make-up... always a good selection from Duty Free. Well done, Mom.

Life is good.

And back I go to my shit-ton of work... it'll get done, eventually.

"So you take a picture of something you see..."

Coldplay always puts me in a really sentimental mood, especially the song "The Scientist." It came on shuffle earlier today, and of course, I could hear the rain/wind outside my window, and I was eating ice cream... it became one of those nights.

Those nights you think about your future, think back to this moment and remember how scared you were that nothing was going to work out, and how scared you were about losing yourself. Sometimes I wonder about my future for hours on end, thinking about all the places I want to go and all the people I want to meet. I think about all the people that have gone before me, all the lives that have directly or indirectly impacted my own.

Sometimes I think about life ten years ago. I think about how simple everything was: wake up, go to school, go to daycare, come home, watch TV, go play. I miss the innocence; I miss how easy it was.

I guess it's time to accept that I'm growing up. I'm in this awkward limbo position between childhood and adulthood right now - I think some people call it adolescence or early adulthood, but I like to call it the awkward limbo phase. Nothing really makes sense, and everything is sort of uncertain. You don't really know where you're going or why, but you just sort of carry on because that's what you're told to do.

Sometimes I wonder about college. It's four years. It's supposed to be the best four years of your life... but four years is a pretty short while. What about after that? Do we peak at college and then start a slow and steady decline into middle age, and then into the elderly phase?

I always wanted to study quantum physics: the science of time. It's one of those things you need to think about when in another state of mind, because thinking about time whilst sober will literally give you a headache. One life time is only about 100 years, if that. 100 years in the scheme of things is such an insignificant amount of time, but we savor it like none other. I guess this brings up the whole, "What is the point of life?" discussion, but I won't go into that tonight. It's just weird to think about how 100 years goes and comes so quickly in terms of time, but for us, it's our forever.

But then there are others, whose legacies live forever. Julius Caesar, Jesus Christ, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Adolf Hitler, Nelson Mandela, John F. Kennedy... the names that will live on for years to come - or will they? Are there people before them who we have forgotten about? Who got left out of the newer editions of textbooks? Will they get forgotten about sometime soon too? In what year will I stop being remembered; when will my latest successors stop talking about me and just refer to me as "great-great grandmother"?

And then there are the next four years of your life. And then there's the rest of this night (to do homework or not?). There's tomorrow, and this week. This month, and this year. There's right now. There's a moment ago, when I wrote that "there's right now."

Nobody should ever invent a time machine -- it would ruin life as we know it.

Just a little update.

So I'm definitely the biggest hypocrite ever since I am currently blogging and wearing a Vineyard Vines sweatshirt. In my defense, 50% of proceeds to towards a cause (Vineyard Vines' "Tied to a Cause") but at the same time... there is no excuse.

Sorry I'm not sorry. This sweatshirt is warm and comfortable.

Other than fashion, not a lot has changed except my work load, which is growing at an exponential rate. It's beyond me how a second-semester senior who is already into college has so much work to do. Either way, I've decided it's a new year, and these past two months have been wasted due to a bad attitude. Starting now, I want to have a better attitude and make a real effort in every aspect of my life, including work.

And on that note, I'm off to start/finish my: two Lit papers, two Psych projects, two nights worth of Calc homework, Econ notes, and huge Spanish project. If I don't get to watch the Oscars because of this workload, I'm going to be pissed.

OCD

Some people think they have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I'm proud to admit that I'm one of those people. Whenever I'm stressed or angry or upset or anything really, I feel like cleaning/organizing. And it makes me feel SO much better. I think this is true for anyone, but it can get pretty bad for me at times... at parties, I'll end up picking up cans/wiping up tables (never a good sign).

For so long now, I've been insecure about my cleanliness/over-organization, but I think I'm starting to accept it. So what? I like things in order and feel mentally more at rest when my life is alphabetized/color coded. Oh well. There are parts of my life that are definitely not in order, and since I'm okay with that, I think my faux-OCD is acceptable... right?

So anyways, that is my revelation for the day. I'm now going to continue with my to-do list, which does, in fact, include cleaning up my emails/Facebook notifications.

Until next time :)

Am I the biggest hypocrite ever?

Answer to above question: Yes.

So I'm going to Indiana University this fall and I'm wicked excited... but I've also returned to my earlier ways of wanting to join a sorority and be part of the Greek system at IU. You might ask what could have possibly made me do such a drastic 180 and here's the answer:

I visited IU last weekend and met a girl who was in Kappa Kappa Gamma (it sounds annoying, I know) who told me that the girls are not in fact the "future housewives of America" as I had so "ignorantly presumed" and that I should really get to know people before making such a general judgment about such a large group of people.

Harsh but true. So, I've decided to give it a chance and just see what happens. I guess that's what college is all about... trying new things, making mistakes, making the same mistakes, and hopefully learning from them at some point so once graduation comes, you're not totally screwed. Oh, and getting an education.

On a lighter note: Hoosier nation babyyyyy

Some Kind of Wonderful/Next to Normal/Indie movies.

I swear I'm not one of those kids that's totally melodramatic and blogs about it... but maybe I am.

I stayed home from school today because I couldn't breathe when I woke up, so that was awesome. I'm really, really allergic to cats (and apparently dogs?) and even the least bit of exposure to them will set me back for at least two days. Needless to say, I must have unknowingly spent some time around these furry felines since I can't climb a set of stairs without feeling completely exhausted once (if) I make it to the top.

So, naturally, babysitting whilst not being able to breathe is the best possible idea, right? Wrong.

Kids are so, so exhausting. I know I'm a kid so I can't even talk... but they (we) really are. I babysit a three year old and a one year old, and they're really cute most of the time but I just can't deal with them sometimes. I feel like an evil person when I snatch a toy away from one of them because they're being bad (the kind of evil Cathy is in East of Eden... THAT kind of evil). But I really do like little kids, most of the time, when I'm not breathless and dying.

The mother told me that I might have some sort of internal emotional stress or anxiety disorder. I didn't know breathlessness was a symptom of this but I guess I could see it. She said I should get it checked out. The only reason I agree with her is because I have been getting thirteen hours of sleep a night consistently and still feel exhausted all the time so... I'll be visiting the doc tomorrow.

I'm reading a book called Blue Like Jazz right now. In it, Donald Miller discusses Christian spirituality from a nonreligious perspective - my favorite. I used to be pretty big into the Christianity thing a while ago but then this year, I sort of lost touch with it. I'm starting to think that there's some truth in it. Maybe not the whole "homosexuality is wrong" and "you're going to hell if you don't believe this" part of it, but more the "you need to be filled up with something" and "giving is better than receiving". Lately, I've really been living for myself and it hasn't been satisfying at all. Maybe I should crack open my Bible again. Maybe not.

Alas, here I am, feeling exhausted, drained, and empty (like the three tubes of mini m&ms I just bought). I dislike being one of thooose teenagers that blogs about her feelings on the Internet but... here I am. To make myself feel better, I bought mini m&ms (so much better than the regular) at a "Buy 2, Get 1 Free" deal at CVS -- good part of my day.

I am now listening to the Next to Normal soundtrack on YouTube because I'm too cheap to actually buy it on iTunes. Seriously, what a great play. I recommend everybody try to see it -- it already closed on Broadway, but I know they're going on tour soon. Check it out.

As for the Some Kind of Wonderful/Indie movies title --
Some Kind of Wonderful is the name of one of those really cheesy 80s movies that nobody wants to admit they like but they really like. I also really like the name.
Indie movies... I wish I had a better explanation. I totally felt like I was in one as I drove home in Bart eating my mini m&ms (out of the tube, obviously) and listening to Eric Hutchinson.

Maybe I should actually do something productive with my time now.

"My mama told me there'd be days like this"

I love this Van Morrison song - seriously love it. So good.

I drove home in shitty weather today. It was awesome. Bart (my 2000 corn tortilla blue Honda Civic) really pulled through and gave a stellar performance (including, but not limited to, fishtailing into the other lane, more than once.)

It took me forty minutes to get home... and that is when I knew- I am so ready for summer. I usually don't mind winter, especially growing up in New England, but alas, I'm ready for sunshine and warmth.

I'm convinced this summer is going to be incredible... concerts, beach trips, staying out late, no summer work, getting excited for college, etc. My mouth is watering just thinking about the Dippin' Dots at amusement parks.

For the last three years, I would laugh when I heard seniors talk about having "senioritis" but... I think it might actually exist. I'm telling you- as soon as the first acceptance letter arrives, all motivation goes straight out the window and procrastination kicks in to overdrive (the irony...)

So ready for summer...